Are You Into

Why You Keep Dating the Same Type, and It Is Not Luck

It is not a coincidence and it is not bad luck. Attachment theory explains why the same type keeps showing up, and what to do about it.

Jordan EllisUpdated 5 min read

Illustration of a woman tracing a row of framed portraits on a shelf, one frame caught in a beam of light

Quick answer: It usually is not bad luck or a type preference in the shallow sense. Attachment theory, first applied to romantic relationships by Hazan and Shaver in 1987, suggests people tend to seek out relationship dynamics that feel familiar, even when the familiar dynamic is not the healthiest one available. Anxious and avoidant partners are especially prone to pairing up in a repeating loop that can look, from the inside, exactly like chemistry.

  • It usually is not bad luck or a type preference in the shallow sense.
  • Attachment theory, first applied to romantic relationships by Hazan and Shaver in 1987, suggests people tend to seek out relationship dynamics that feel familiar, even when the familiar dynamic is not the healthiest one available.
  • Anxious and avoidant partners are especially prone to pairing up in a repeating loop that can look, from the inside, exactly like chemistry.

The friend who keeps dating the same person in a different body

You almost certainly know someone like this, or you are someone like this: the names and faces change, and the shape of the relationship does not. Same eventual complaint, same eventual ending, same bewildered "why does this keep happening to me," said out loud at 1am to whichever friend picked up the phone. From the outside it can look like bad taste or bad luck. From the research on why you keep dating the same type, it looks like something much more specific and much more workable: a pattern your attachment system recognizes as normal, formed early, that keeps getting recreated because familiar, even when uncomfortable, tends to feel safer than unfamiliar.

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Why the pattern feels like a preference

Attachment styles form early in life and shape what feels normal in closeness: how much distance feels safe, how conflict should be handled, whether needing someone is safe to admit out loud or has to be hidden. A pattern that feels like chemistry, "I just click with this type," is often your attachment system recognizing something familiar, for better or for worse, faster than your conscious mind can evaluate whether it is actually good for you.

The most common trap: anxious and avoidant pairing up

Psychology Today's coverage of this exact pattern describes a common loop: an anxious partner seeks closeness and reassurance, an avoidant partner pulls back under the pressure of that pursuit, and the anxious partner's alarm rises in response to the distance, which makes the avoidant partner pull back further still. Both partners can walk away from the relationship convinced the other "type" is simply what they are drawn to, without ever seeing the loop that was actually driving the whole dynamic from both sides at once.

What the loop actually looks like in practice

  • Early connection. What the anxious partner does: Leans in quickly, seeks reassurance often. What the avoidant partner does: Feels drawn in, but keeps some deliberate distance. What it feels like from inside: Intense, exciting, a little uncertain.
  • Mild distance appears. What the anxious partner does: Notices the distance, feels anxious, reaches out more. What the avoidant partner does: Feels pursued, creates more space to cope. What it feels like from inside: Confusing; one person feels needy, the other feels crowded.
  • Escalation. What the anxious partner does: Reassurance-seeking increases, sometimes urgently. What the avoidant partner does: Withdrawal increases in response. What it feels like from inside: Both partners feel their worst fear being confirmed.
  • Resolution or breakup. What the anxious partner does: Either learns to self-soothe, or the anxiety wins out. What the avoidant partner does: Either learns to stay present, or the distance wins out. What it feels like from inside: Often ends with both concluding "that type isn't for me," missing the loop itself.

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Can this actually change?

Yes. Attachment researchers generally treat these styles as changeable, not fixed for life. A relationship with a securely attached partner, therapy, self-reflection, or deliberate practice responding differently under stress can shift the pattern meaningfully over time, a process researchers sometimes call earning secure attachment. Recognizing the loop is usually the necessary first step, because it reframes "this type again" from a fixed fact about who you are drawn to into a pattern you can actually interrupt on purpose. For more on how flexible these patterns really are, the underlying research is covered in our roundup of psychological facts about love, including how attachment styles form and shift over time.

Read: The 4 Attachment Styles, and What Each One Wants

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The free Attachment Style test takes about two minutes and gives you language for the pattern you might already sense but have not been able to name. From there, the Are You Into quiz is a private way to see where you and your current partner actually align.

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Worth reading next: 11 Signs You're Losing Emotional Intimacy and How to Choose a Couples Intimacy Quiz.

Frequently asked questions

Is having a type always about attachment style?

Not always. Physical preference and shared interests play a real role too, but a repeating unhealthy dynamic across different partners, with the same eventual complaint, is a stronger signal worth examining specifically.

Can two anxious partners, or two avoidant partners, work well together?

It is less studied than the anxious avoidant pairing specifically, but shared patterns can still create friction, just a different flavor of it, since neither partner naturally provides the steadying presence the pattern needs.

Do I need therapy to change my attachment style?

Not necessarily. Awareness, a secure partner, and consistent practice under stress can shift a pattern over time, though therapy can meaningfully speed the process for many people.

Is it my partner's fault if we fall into this loop?

Rarely just one person's. The loop is typically self-reinforcing from both sides, which is actually good news: either partner changing their half of the pattern tends to change the whole dynamic.

Jordan Ellis

Editor, Intimacy and Communication Guides

Jordan writes Are You Into's guides on intimacy and communication, working with licensed therapists and sex educators to fact-check every piece. Believes honesty doesn't require drama.

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